How My Mental Health Struggles Led Me to Nursing

Trigger warning: This content mentions suicide and depression

Many of you have seen my writing on nursing platforms. You’ve read the pieces I’ve written on burnout and mental health. You’ve DMed and emailed me to tell me that my pieces are required reading in your program. But did you know that Nursing was never on my radar!  In fact, I was totally opposed to it. I spent high school hyper-focused on Criminal Justice as a college major and forensic science as a career. I took all advanced placement (AP) science classes, and dual enrolled in the core classes. But as the saying goes, tell God your plans, and He laughs.

I had my life planned. 

• Graduate from high school with honors. Check. 

• Enroll in one of my top three choices for college. Check. 

• Major in Criminal Justice and minor in English or Psychology. Check.

I didn't expect that life would hit me like never before, the first semester of my freshman year of college. Towards the end of the semester, I realized my family and I had no way of paying my tuition for the next semester. My great-grandmother —whom I was extremely close with— died, and I had my first heartbreak. Life felt like someone had hit me with a truck, and I saw no way out. I was in so much mental and emotional pain that I was physically hurting. Back then, I didn't know anything about depression or anxiety. I didn't know that I had lived with it for years and was what would later be described as "high functioning." The loss of someone so close to me, paired with the financial stress of school and several other factors, spiraled out of control, and I was in a mental health crisis. Not understanding what was going on and not having the tools and resources to cope, I attempted suicide.

After being transferred to a hospital an hour from my hometown, I was hopeless. But what I didn't see coming was the kindness of strangers. I couldn't foresee people caring for me in ways that I thought were impossible. These people were nurses. 

Honestly, now I can't remember how long I was in that hospital, but I remember how the nurses treated me. They played my favorite music, bathed me, and combed my matted hair. When I refused to eat, they spoon-fed me, and one nurse even bought me a bag of Reese Cups—my favorite candy. They talked about me at the nurses' station as they changed shifts. And all I remember is how the off-going nurse would tell the oncoming nurse to keep an eye on the "18-year-old kid." I didn't feel judged or misunderstood. I felt like they cared for me, and I didn't understand how someone could have so much compassion for someone they didn't even know. Before all of this, I didn't wholly understand what nurses do. After that, my life was never the same. I promised that one day, I would do for some other girl what those nurses did for me. 

Were there signs?

I think it’s important that I touch on the signs that I exhibited. It’s also essential to note that the term high-functioning depression isn’t an official clinical diagnosis. Instead, it is a buzzword word often used to describe persistent depressive disorder, also known as dysthymia. High-functioning depression is often used to describe people who’s depression is so well hidden it doesn’t seem to affect their day-to-day living. 

Looking back, I had a lot of the symptoms of someone with persistent depressive disorder.

• Sleep issues - I could literally sleep all day and night 

• Worried about the past

• Difficulty making decisions

• Excessive irritability - Any little thing aggravated me

• Fatigue or low energy - I was always tired

• Poor boundaries - Instead of cutting people out of my life who physically or emotionally harmed me, I forced myself to feel uncomfortable around them and this made my depression worse

• Feeling sad or down

• Feeling rejected - I struggled with abandonment issues that stemmed from not having a relationship with my mom. As I got older, anytime I felt rejected I would hold onto feeling

• Reduced productivity, activity, or effectiveness that lead to procrastination and overachievement- Because I slept all the time, I waited until the last minute to complete tasks. When I did complete them, I overcompensated so no one would know how “lazy” I was 

• Self-criticism -  I always found ways to put myself down

Please understand that everyone is different and will exhibit different signs and symptoms. The symptoms that I mention in this article are those that I experienced.

Becoming a nurse

Fast-forward two years, and I was mentally healthy. I had re-enrolled in the local community college. I was once again set on the path to becoming a forensic scientist. Although I was set to graduate and transfer to a university, something didn't click. I felt like that career path wouldn't allow me to touch a life. I had also just become a mom. My son was a preemie, and once again, I had the opportunity to see the miraculous work of nurses. After giving birth on a Thursday, I was back in school on Monday, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, "I'm going to change my major to Nursing!"

I knew that becoming a nurse would give me the opportunity to care for someone like those nurses cared for me. I knew that I wanted the chance to save some young, Black girl who felt like there was no other way out. I wanted to make a difference. I knew that Nursing was for me. Being able to enroll in a program and quickly go into the workforce and make a difference (and decent money) was a no-brainer for me. I knew that as a nurse, I would come in contact with so many people, and I could make a difference in my community.

I was right.

I passed my NCLEX in 2010, and since then, I've been able to help so many young women. I get DMs and private messages from girls who feel like giving up. Who are so broken and in so much pain they don't see a way out. 

And I share my story. I let them know that I'm physical and living proof that you can come out on the other side. And, with support and resources you can live a happy, productive life. 

Nursing did that for me. NURSES did that for me. And I'm thankful. I'm grateful for a career that allowed me to build my own path. To help people in a way that I would have otherwise not been able to. To meet so many different people, at various stages of their life, and for them to tell me that what I did mattered. No other career could give that to me. And although I'm running my own companies and no longer at the bedside, I still get to be that nurse that I set out to be. I get to share my story without fear of stigma or retaliation. I get to help other nurses do the same.

So, although I may have a love-hate relationship with this career I’ve chosen, I wouldn't change a thing if I had to do it all over. 

Doing the work on my mental health

I want you to know that you can overcome it. Things will get better, but it takes a lot of discipline, desire, and honestly time. Here are some things that helped me:

• Therapy or some type of mental health provider- I highly suggest working with a therapist who has a similar background as you. For example, I encourage Black people to work with a Black therapist, simply because of cultural competence and understanding

• Journaling- writing down my thoughts helped me a lot. I can often put the words on paper when I can’t speak them

• Make amends- I hurt a lot of people, during that time, and I reached out to them and apologized. Whether they accepted it or not, I needed to let them know I was sorry for the harm that I caused. I don’t suggest doing this until you’ve worked on a plan with your mental health provider

• Forgive yourself- You are human. Start the process of forgiving yourself. You have to live with YOU for the rest of your life, so don’t live with resentment

• Forgive others- I still struggle with this. One thing I’ve learned to do is to write it out. On a piece of paper I write, in full detail, the harm they caused and then set fire to the piece of paper. For my mental health, I’ve decided not to reach out to or speak to anyone who has harmed me. But I do a ritual to release them— and their hold on me— from my life. Again, I don’t suggest doing this until you’ve worked on a plan with your mental health provider

• Find a trusted person- Find someone who you can call or text when you feel bad. This person should be non-judgemental and an active listener. It’s best to find someone who is NOT an empath. You do not want to transfer your feelings and emotions onto them. One thing I do, before venting, is to ask the other person, “are you in a mental space to listen to me? Is now a good time?” 

• Get active- I know this is cliche, but when I’m working out or running I feel so much better

• No is a complete sentence- It’s okay to say “NO!” One thing I learned about myself was that I would always say yes and then feel terrible about it. I also allowed people in my life who caused my harm, because I didn’t want to embarrass them or be rude about cutting them off. That is a sign of poor, personal boundaries. I learned to say no.  “No. I’m not okay with that. You can’t treat me that way, etc.” 

Lastly, only go where you are celebrated. Surround yourself with people who genuinely celebrate and love you. It makes a difference.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained counselor at the Crisis Text Line.